


Not Doing Much Better

by zouisweak



Series: Zouis Week [2]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-14
Updated: 2015-09-14
Packaged: 2018-04-20 18:49:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,739
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4798487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zouisweak/pseuds/zouisweak
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zouis Week, day 2/7: Favourite Moment: @leighadeisreal: that's correct :) x</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not Doing Much Better

It’s something Zayn's been thinking about a lot. He knows Louis still cares, even if he hasn’t actually talked to Zayn after one shitty phone call a few months back that ended in tears. On both sides, Zayn would wager.

But he knows Louis still cares,   _knows_ it, has five years’ worth of proof that can’t be swept away overnight, and that’s why he feels so fucking guilty over the way the tattoo’s fading.

It’s not surprising, and he would guess that Louis' is going the same way, or starting to, at least. They were shitty last minute tattoo’s that they did themselves, drunk and inexperienced and so so so wrapped up in each other.

Louis had had a party, two days after the start of break, and Zayn had gone even though he didn't want to. He generally needed a week on his own, to recuperate, but Louis threw one of these only once a year, roughly, and it was the only thing people in their circle could talk about for months. Zayn was too possessive of Louis, and of his hard-earned title as Louis' best friend, to pass it up.

And he hadn't regretted the decision, exactly. The centre of attention was where Louis belonged, and Zayn would never not love how he looked in it. He loved how other people watched him, with awe and fascination and a constant need for more, so similar, Zayn would guess, to how he looks at Louis, whether he's putting on a show or not. But he didn't like the opportunity it gave other guests to give Zayn himself attention, ask him questions.

He went upstairs, to escape it. The door was locked, but he knew where Louis hid the key, another best friend privilege that filled him with an inordinate amount of pride.

Louis was a hoarder, always had been. Zayn remembered helping him move into his first flat after X Factor, and discovering a box filled with all the outfits Louis had worn for their performances. Zayn had been a bit weirded out, because he was pretty sure none of the other lads had kept their clothes- Zayn himself hadn't even known it was an option. He had wondered if Louis was one of those weird people who would live in the past if the band didn't succeed, wearing the stage clothes over and over. He had made a joke about it, a bit nervously, but Louis had just given him a weird look. "It's free clothes, mate, why would I throw it away?"

It had set a pattern. Everytime a designer sponsored their outfits, or they were dressed up for a photo shoot, or even if a fan gave them a homemade gift- Louis would keep all of it. Zayn didn't think it was him being sentimental, and he didn't agree with Liam's theory that it was an inability to cope with the excessive after a childhood of just basics. Louis was just too lazy and undisciplined to ever throw things away.

Zayn never saw it as a fault, either, though he knew both Harry and Jay were constantly begging Louis to clear the damn place out. Zayn just saw it as another reason to love Louis' house, the way he could explore it for hours, find all this new shit. Or old shit, more accurately, unassuming memorabilia that would inevitably dreg up some long forgotten random story in Zayn's past.

That time, he found a tattoo home kit, and he recognised it instantly because it was his, a present from Tom. He didn't know why it was at Louis' house, but he had too much of Louis' stuff at his own house to be mad.

Louis found him while he was dusting off the box, and he smiled big, like he had been looking for Zayn, and Zayn didn't ask because he'd be too disappointed if the answer was no, but he thought Louis probably was.

They didn't even talk about it, Louis didn't ask questions as Zayn shaved a patch on his arm, or cleaned it, only bit his lip and clenched his eyes through the pain in a way that shouldn't have gotten to Zayn as much as it did.

He just returned the favour, once Zayn was done, using a stencil because he didn't have as much experience as Zayn. He acted like tattooing each other was something they often did, like it wasn't a big deal, and he must have known how much Zayn needed it, needed to know Louis was his, even with crowds of people downstairs probably thinking the same thing, even with the voice in his head reminding him that Louis wasn't his, maybe never would be, not like that.

The whole job was so rushed and amateur that when he’s in the shower one day, years later, and realises that the black is actually more of a grey, he’s not surprised.

He’s just- frustrated. Because he knows how people will see it, knows the way Perrie and his family give him sympathetic glances whenever he brings up Louis, can see the way Liam goes out of his way to avoid even mentioning louis in his long and detailed weekly emails.

They’ll see it as symbolism, say that their friendship’s fading and maybe he should let the tattoo go with it, say maybe it’s for the best, and bite their tongues politely, shake their heads, when he gets it retouched.

And it’s so annoying, because him and Louis- it’s nothing more than a rough patch, which might be a weird phrase to use for someone who’s just a friend, but still. Sure they’re not talking right now, but Louis has moods, and Zayn has a temper, everyone knows that. It doesn’t mean they’ll never talk again.

But if he gets too defensive about it everyone just looks at him with pity, like he’s in denial, and he hates it. He has always known that people don’t really get him and Louis, and it’s not something he minded, before, because he knew that _Louis_ did, and that was all that mattered.

Right now, he’s not so sure. For the first time in a long time, he doesn’t actually know what Louis is thinking.

And really, that’s why he’s so angry at the tattoo for fading. Because he doesn’t kid himself into thinking Louis is looking at the meagre scrappings of pap pic’s of Zayn online, but he still- he hates the idea of Louis seeing it, of Louis thinking he’s getting it removed. Because Louis has always been a bit less secure in their relationship than Zayn, and this wouldn’t exactly help.

But he can’t reassure Louis. Because, _right_ , they’re not talking right now, he can’t just send him a text and that’s something he has to remind himself of daily, whenever he hears a nice song or comes up with a tattoo idea or can’t finish a lyric or hears a joke or has a fight with Perrie or literally has two seconds of free time- and the tattoo is just another thing on the long list of things he’s not able to actually talk about with Louis.

It’s not even the most important thing on the list. They have a lot of shit to sort out, so it’d just be weird if Zayn ignored all that and sent a text saying _“yeah, btw, it’s just fading a bit I’m gonna get it retouched soon,”_ when Louis probably hasn't even seen it, and definitely has other things on his mind.

So Zayn can’t tell Louis- but he still wants him to know.

He thinks of dropping it in casual conversation with Liam, but he realises if Liam is avoiding bringing Louis up with him, he’s definitely avoiding bringing Zayn up with Louis.

Which hurts, especially when he considers the possibility that other people are doing it- the possibility that Louis might _want_ them to do it, that Louis might cringe at the mention of his name, go out of his way to change the conversation, but. It’s not what he’s thinking about, right now.

He’s going through his twitter mentions, and it’s just after the Vuitton show with Kanye West (holy fucking shit literally holy fucking shit what the fuck!) so they’re even more haywire than usual, but eventually he finds something he can work with.

He laughs when he sees the twitter handle, leighadeisreal, and thinks he should ask Perrie for confirmation. Except that might be weird, given that they haven’t talked in a week. Anyway.

It seems like fate, a bit, maybe, if he believed in it, because it reminds him of how Louis would go out of his way to find the fans with the weirdest handles and reply to them, ones about Liam being their daddy or calling Niall a sexy leprechaun, even if their tweets were banal and there were a thousand other identical ones.

(Louis also replied to a few equally pointless tweets where the handle was just complimenting Zayn, calling him pretty or amazing or just saying they loved him, and Zayn never really let himself think about that too much).

He’s lying in bed, looking at a picture Louis got for him of the two of them, one of the rare times Louis didn’t pull a funny face during the selfies Zayn forced him to take, instead smiling softly, looking at Zayn rather the camera.

It’s in a corny pink and green plastic “you’re my best friend!” frame, with drawings of two girls skipping ropes in one corner and playing hopscotch in the other, a joke present from before a break in the Where We Are tour, so that “you don’t miss me as much as I know you think you will.”

It’s stupid, and Perrie is still weirded out by it- specifically the way it’s on his bedside table, but she hasn’t been over in a while, and Zayn doesn’t really give a fuck anyway, because he loves it, and he loves that he’s using it for the exact reason Louis gave it to him, even if it was a joke. It helps him miss him a little less.

He’s become a master of coping mechanisms recently, and as he looks back at his phone screen he acknowledges that, like the picture frame, this is one of them. He just really fucking hopes Louis sees it.

“@Leighadeisreal that’s correct :) x”


End file.
